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Feelings are important for me, I am driven by them. Reading the current scroll I had to realise that I am very much driven by them. I wake up in the morning with a flad of thoughts and the quality of my day is set by them. I have never noticed it before! They sneek in and start to talk to me setting my feelings and mood. There are so many personalities in me, the dramaqueen, the victim, the dragon, unbelievable! “For unless my mood is right the day is a failure.” Very true. I have observed my mood sinking very low by allowing negative thoughts in. How easy it is to go with the negative flow and grow it till it becomes a disaster! What do I do about it? When I have caught myself in the mornings entertaining negative or just dull thoughts and I stopped and chose something else to think about. A pleasant one or one of my affirmations or I stayed with the same thought from a different angle – what a change! This does not come naturally to me yet, I have to make a conscious effort to change my thoughts and stick with the positive ones. It is like when a pianist is getting ready to play the most beautiful piece of music – the piano and the notes have to sound right. I am learning to play my music instrument now and I am making progress 🙂
I am not eating certain things for six weeks till Easter to give a break to my body and allow detoxification. At the beggining of my diet at one point I was walking on the street, when I realised that I felt much lighter, it was wonderful. Later I decided to do a liver detox as well, which I had postponded for a year because it looked a bit challenging. I am in the middle of it and I already feel wonderful, a lot lighter. The physical detoxification made me think of my internal process. I have a colleague who I found very difficult to work with and I felt very resistant towards. As I have been doing the material I have become more and more conscious of the fact that this resistance is in the way, does not let me continue my journey and connect with my real self. Right. But how do I do this? It had been in my mind for a good while with the intention to resolve it. I did sits (Jana Martinez) where I filled myself up with love eliminating all resistance and anger, then I gave it out to the world, everyone, including this colleague. This was what I could do at the time and I just trusted that this would bring a positive change. One morning it turned out that I was working in her team that day. First my heart stopped beating from the shock, but then I thought I would wait and see what the day brought. I had a very good and fruitful day with her which made me think seriously about the natural Laws. I felt so light, filled with warmth and much closer to my colleague who seemed less of a monster and much more of a human being. So it all started from me, and all I have to do is pay attention within, the rest will follow without!
For how much longer can I hide? And the thing is, I know now that I am hiding, it has become conscious in me. Looking back as an observer on my process it is clear now what makes me stagger and when. I always get to a certain point, when I feel my power and the harmony and unity with the universe; such a wonderful feeling! It is like becoming something new, or a rebirth, a new part of me comes forward smiling that has always been there but unnurtured. So when I am in the process of rebirth seeing my future self coming closer and closer to me I get scared and stop. This is a pattern now. So I get scared of what?! Me changing for the better, my dreams coming true scares me??? But I want it badly!!! So I need to push through the birth channel. I have made some changes in my everyday pattern and have asked for support from my Guide and Mastermind Partner. But I need to make it myself. I have made the Decision, I am going to make it and meet with my future self.
Everything went wrong from week 18. I went back to Hungary to see my father and I stopped with the exercises. Things got out of controll and went wrong. As a straight consequence the struggle of getting on with my daily life just got bigger and I tried my hardest to solve things ‘from the outside’. The harder I tried the greater challenges came into my way – exhausting me more and more. The possibility of going back to the material was shining brightly from the side which I did not want to take any notice of. Why??? What is wrong with me??? I mastered my skills of procrastinating and staying with my old self living and struggling in my old world ignoring the call. What on earth is wrong with me?! But my future self stayed aside, did not go away, waited patiently to be noticed. In the meantime my frustration of wanting to go forward but not actually doing that just became greater and greater. Guilt was growing with frustration as well. I was so relieved and grateful when it was discussed in one of the webinars that struggle is part of the process, but the work is still waiting for me.
Watching this week’s suppliment made me think. It is mindblowing how Aimee changed her feelings and thinking and ultimately her life about the fact that she had no lower legs. I was gonna write ‘…about her disability’. Disability? Her example shows that it is rather a possibility. Disadvantage at first sight that she turned around to be an absolute advantage, people envied her and not only for what she was able to do with her body. It is so much more. Breaking out from the ‘prescribed’ thinking and feelings by society about her condition she saw herself as a full and beautiful entity with all the possibilities hidden in her situation. And she was it from the inside, so she became it regarding the outside. She has been having a full life and wonderful experiences in the world without. I remember when I was small during drawing a picture or making something, it often turned out wrong half way. After the first shock of realising it I remember stopping for a minute, looking at my half done work and I was looking at it in different ways. I always found a way of finishing it, kind of turning the mishap around, making it part of my work, decorative and attractive and I was proud of it at the end. I think about myself from that time and it feels like the little child had something then that would turn things around for me now. Creativity, the ability to focus and simply be with something tuning into it. There were no ‘recepies’ carved in; I was free and able to see the possibilities in the situation. I believe the genius is there in everyone – the golden buddha, we all come to the world like this.
A few weeks ago I realised that a lot of things that I think about pop up in my surroundings, I find more and more of them. It is part of my Dmp to be a mother and housewife. Needless to say that there are a lot of weddings, babies and toddlers around me, a lot of my colleagues, friends and relatives purchase their first property with the intention to settle down and make it a family nest. It is everywhere, so my desire to become it has been constantly flamed. It has been growing within me. The process got to the point where it had to be said out loud, had a chat with my boyfriend and it is a wonderful feeling to share this dream! It had been locked in, it was almost like something standing between us because of the unvoiced quality and now this is holding us together closer and stronger!
Give more get more. One colleague asked for some information about a course I did and she is interested to do, which I gladly gave. The support I got from her regarding my career has been jaw dropping for me. She not only gave me ideas, support and information on sources I could check out but invited me to do a presentation introducing my additional knowledge and skills at work. Can’t wait to be in service in this way as well!!!!